“Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should.” So says George Michael, and I agree. Most of the time. On rare occasions, sex can just fuck everything up—and not just for yourself, but for others.
This past weekend, my idiot brother drove up to Vancouver, Washington, and came back with his new girlfriend and her kids, which numbered around a dozen or so. They went camping, and the girlfriend and brood were supposed to stay with him until Monday. Blah blah blah. I don’t really pay any more attention to my idiot brother than I have to, and normally I wouldn’t give a flying fuck about his plans. But this time, they affected me. His girlfriend ended up staying until Tuesday. Tuesday. He drove her and her dozens of kids back to Washington on Tuesday! The fucktard.
See, I had plans for Tuesday, plans which required the use of his car, because the Oldsmobile POS Supreme I usually drive is not suitably equipped for long-distance trips, and he was going to let me use his car so my girlfriend and I could go watch my seven-year-old autistic son and the rest of his class perform at a Special Olympics meet in Albany. I missed it. He got award ribbons and everything. And I missed it. Thanks to my idiot brother, the fucktard.
It gets better.
My idiot brother’s girlfriend’s kids—all fourscore of them—had the fucking stomach flu. So my idiot brother’s kid got the stomach flu. And, when my four-year-old daughter went over to play, she got the stomach flu, in turn giving it to the rest of us. So, I, my girlfriend, our three children, have all been lying around in misery, moaning, groaning, and vomiting like crazy the past few days. All because of my idiot brother.
Even worse, since my ailing mother, who has been suffering kidney problems for the past year, lives with my idiot brother, she got sick too. Even something as common and innocuous as the stomach flu is potentially life-threatening for her. Did my brother think of this before introducing a hundred sick kids into the home? No. Of course not. In case I haven’t mentioned it, he’s an idiot.
I’m bitter. I admit it. To some, this may seem an overreaction to a simple series of mix-ups and misunderstandings, but let me explain. My brother hasn’t had any pussy in a while. That extra night his girlfriend stayed over, it was so he could get some. My mother even came to stay with us that night because she knew what was going on. Mix-ups and misunderstandings I could forgive, but a complete lack of consideration for others just for the chance of a little sex? Pure douchebaggery, that is.
So, while sex is natural and good, thinking only with your dick is not. George Michael learned that lesson in a bathroom stall, and, now that my brother has the flu and everybody is pissed at him, I hope my brother’s learned it too. I doubt it though. After all, he is an idiot.
What a fucktard. And the fact that she has that many kids should have been a total dick-deterrent anyway. What guy wants a chick with a brood? :( I’m sad that your idiot brother spread the disease of his thoughtlessness throughout your entire family.
As you know, my brother is also an idiot of epic proportions. He has not been in contact with anyone in our family since the holidays. My mom believes he is homeless and on crack as we speak, which is not an exaggeration, but her one clinging hope. Because if he’s not homeless and on crack in the streets, he’s probably dead. I’m not sure which one would be better for him. I’m a cynic, so I’m going to say #2, but my mom would rather it be #1.
Idiots Rule, or so says Jane’s Addiction. Sometimes, I wish Perry Farrell wasn’t so fucking intuitive.
Be glad your bro is still there to call a fucktard. Mine blew his fucking head off, so all I can do is look up to the sky and scream “you dumb fuck”
Dude, that sucks. Do you really do that? Sounds like something I would do, if I actually got along with my family. I understand your feelings, but in all honesty, I’m not sure I’d react the same way. I have a girlfriend, children, and friends that I feel that way about, but the family I was born into just doesn’t feel like family to me.